Ramblings of just another guy in the midwest

It's official! As of 9 a.m. Central time today, December 29th, my name is now Lucas Martin R*****!

NO MORE girl name!!

I did the petition, and order, and publication stuff all without an attorney. I feel very accomplished that I knew more about the name change than the JUDGE did!

*cheshire cat grin*

Oh and I have a serious smirk on my new license!

Luc

(x-posted a few places)

Do you know if posts to your journal labelled friends only can be read by people who add you as friends but whom you don't add as your friends?

Luc

Got the idea for this from thehat 

www.helloquizzy.com/results/if-lovin-were-cookin-youd-be/


heeheheh turn on the heat ;)

I was an election judge at a local ward in my town...youngest person there, by some 20+ years.

Had to be up just after 4 a.m., at the polls by 5 a.m. Worked through until almost 8 p.m. other than a 15 minute break I stole to grab a bite to eat, because my dear Arc brought me food. Of course, by the time I got the chance to go eat the food, the double cheese burger and fries were both cold, but, I felt loved nonetheless.

Being the youngest there, I was the one who set up and took down the touch screen system, and assisted with the optical scanner. I also did the "lugging of heavy items" and the "crawling under the bar to plug in the extension cords" oh and let's not forget, the "crawling INTO the ballot recepticle to get the last of the ballots that the scanner had dumped into the recepticle.

This was a low paying gig, I honestly don't know how much I'll make for it, but any money is better than no money.

Did I vote today? No. I knew without a doubt I wouldn't have time.

I voted by absentee ballot 2 weeks ago, due to being an election judge.

Today the majority of American voters said something definate, "We want change. We can do it. Yes, we can."

I'm fully supportive of President Elect Barack Obama, and wish him and his family safe travels over the next four years.

My divorce is still in the bloody mess that is the middle of the court dates. I've been stewing over this one piece a bit, and finally am posting it here after talking to my 10 yr old.

It seems that the counsellor who I took the kids to, who ended up trying to testify against me (though she didn't see the kids enough to truly have any real opinion), was fixated on ONE thing only, my transition. She latched onto one idea my 10 yr old offered for how she might explain her mother's absence, which was, "I'll just tell them my Mom died and I live with my Papa." The therapist decided on her own that I must have given this idea to my daughter, when this is NOT the case.

Of course I had to refute this on the stand! 

I have always taken the attitude that stealth of any sort is not an option for me until such time as my children are grown and moved out, if even then.

I've always told my children that if anyone asks about where their mom is, they are free to tell people that I am their mom, and to send them to me for any and all questions. I'd prefer that I be the one answering the questions, since I know how to convey more information about my transition than could be explained by a child.

So...my question is this...how do YOU, the guys who are parents, handle these types of situations??

Lucas

Anyway, forward to TODAY.

He had an appointment at the CF clinic. A pulmonary function test, series of chest x-rays, and visit with the doctors in the clinic.

So, we did the tests, spent most of the day at Children's Hospital.

I take him in to see the doc at the CF clinic, and the doc looks over all of his test results, and his medical history. He tells me "I MAY have some good news for you." (the rest below is paraphrased)

Lil Dude's lung function is good, BETTER than the doc's.

Lil Dude doesn't have any history of growth issues. (which point to CF)

Lil Dude has NO family history of growth issues, or male infertility and is generally healthy. (these decrease the chance of it being CF)

Lil Dude has the ONE condition that can lead to a false positive on a sweat test that is NOT a life threatening condition - eczema.

We are still going to wait for the genetic marker testing to come back (in now about 2 1/2 weeks), BUT, the odds are that he does not have CF. The doc said he'd put the odds at about 75% against it, versus the 99.99% for it that I was told before.

This is a HUGE weight off my shoulders even though it is NOT a definate as yet.

Lucas

Went to the family gathering.

I was so f**king nervous that I thought I was going to be sick before I got there.

Today, much of my family will "meet" me as Lucas for the first time.

I know they won't call me by the right name, but my birth name.

I know they will use, without fail, female pronouns.

I can only hope they don't make a horrific scene as my children will be present.

My stomach is in knots, but I am STILL going to be there.

Today is their ONE chance to get away with wrong pronouns / name.

Lucas

update - I have contacted my GID therapist today, as well as another counsellor for myself. 

I am NOT trying to place the blame wholly on the other person, for we BOTH share the responsibility of the wrongs that happened. 

I can't even put into words how terrible I feel about striking someone in anger, especially the person I love more than anyone else, save for my children. (see my priorities thread to understand)

I haven't eaten now in nearly 2 days, can't force myself to eat, stomach violently refusing any and all food. I am managing to get down some liquids, but there was something wrong with my stomach befoer this happened and it's only getting worse.

Add to that , that my chest is now causing some sort of problems, tightness, some pain, heart pounding, headache (bad) ... I KNOW my BP is sky high. :( I'm scared, and there is no one, NO ONE for me to turn to. I can't/won't go to the hospital alone. 

I may go to the city and do something I never do...get drunk and sleep in my car.

Lucas

I did something tonight I haven't done in, about 2 years. 

I struck someone in anger. Not really in anger, but in a furious rage stemming from emotional hurt inflicted upon my children and myself. (it was a backhand to the jaw, with my weaker left hand as my right is still in a cast)

(no, I do not believe this was caused by my testosterone therapy)

I found out I'd been lied to, repeatedly over the past month or so. (and I don't know about before then currently) Not only had I been lied to, but so had the innocents who shared our lives, my children. To me, this is the far greater infraction, far greater wound, to lie to children for one's own gain. These weren't "little white lies" but lies about his father being deathly ill, resulting in me guilt tripping my ex for money to get this person to a place halfway across the country at a moment's notice.

I called him a lying bastard, as well as a few other choice phrases. I HATE his actions, and hate the way he caused me to feel.

I am a hopeless sap though as after calming down, I know I do still love him, though I cannot and will not be lied to and lied about again. I cannot have him treating those innocents with callous disregard.

Will I allow him back into my life IF he comes back? I don't know right now.  I don't know if he will try, after all, I did strike him.

I know that nothing can or will be salvaged without him getting counselling for the lying, as it seems to be habitual.

My own counselling will come when I speak to my therapist.

I know that striking someone is wrong. I don't excuse it, but I also understand WHY I did it. I wanted him to feel some semblance of the pain he had inflicted upon the kids and that was the only way I could see to do so.

*skulking back to bed, though only to lick the wounds, no sleep will come tonight.

We all have priorities, and these priorities change over time.

For some of us, our priorities are ourselves.

For others, our priorities are those around us.

For even others, our priorities are things, matierial possessions.

My mom, unfortunately, had a very negative reaction, and she wasn't the one I EXPECTED the harshness from. My mom was and is still in the mindset of "how could you do this to me?" and "I don't understand how you can choose to hurt me so much." ( I've tried to tell her that this ISN'T about her, and my actions are NOT done to hurt her, but to be true to myself, but it doesn't matter to her, she's trying to put a guilt trip on me. )

Surprisingly, what my father said:

"I can't see me ever calling you son, but you'll always be my baby girl, and I love you no matter what. I don't agree with what you're doing, but I don't have to, as you're an adult."

From a man who used to say that all trannies (what he called transgendered) were just guys who dressed up in their wives' clothing for jacking off and that they and gays should all be hung from the same tree...this was a GIGANTIC step forward!

(now, I only have to explain to them that I am ALSO gay...well, saving that mountain to climb for another time.)

Hopefully, eventually, they'll come to accept me as Lucas. I now say "Hi mom/dad, it's me" when I call, instead of using the first name that I don't use at all any longer (other than in legal papers). Slowly I'll start using the name Lucas / Luc around them.


As a note, the letter was given to them the last week of July, and their reactions listed here are from the very same day. (but the attitudes haven't changed since then)
Luc

 I'll post their reactions / responses in another journal entry. (after dinner or tomorrow morning one)

Mom and Dad,

 

I love you both, and you mean a lot to me, more than I can possibly tell you. I hope that at the end of this letter you each feel that your love for me will overcome any difficulties you may have in accepting the news regarding me that I must share at this point in time. I’ve never written something that was so difficult to put into words. I don’t wish to cause you any pain, yet I know my words will to some extent.  What I am going to tell you, will shock you, and it may confuse you. You may even doubt the truth of my words, yet let me assure you now, these words have been waiting for well over a decade to be brought forth from my heart.

 

I have always been different, since I was a kid, and I know to some extent you both know this as well. I remember Mom talking about my bringing in frogs and turtles and bugs and other things that crawled around in my pockets. I enjoyed hunting, fishing with Dad more than doing girl things.

 

I remember being afraid to say anything when I started developing breasts, about how I didn’t really want them. I remember hating it when I started getting my period, feeling that this body was betraying me. I remember not fitting in, not being comfortable around anyone growing up, and in part this was because I wasn’t comfortable with my body.

 

You see, I’m not really a girl, I never have been, not inside. I’m a guy, in my heart and in my soul. My mind is a guy’s mind, not a girl’s.

 

The way I am has nothing to do with any mistakes either of you may think you might have made.

 

I am happy now that I have accepted my true self, happier than I’ve been in a very long time.

 

Please don’t think that this is something I need to be saved from, or something that therapy can fix. I spent years seeing therapists and counselors to try to fix my head. It’s not my head that’s the problem; it’s certain parts of the body. I thought very hard, and researched the risks before beginning the process I am now in the middle of.

 

I am taking my personal power over my own life at this point in time to fix the parts of my body that need fixing. This active change in my body began with extensive blood work and tests last year, followed by the total hysterectomy in December, and injections weekly beginning back in January. My muscle structure has begun to change. My voice has started to deepen. My hair growth is changing over my entire body. Within less than a year, only those who knew me well before starting transition will recognize that I was ever anything other than a naturally born male, which is what I need to live my life.

 

I don’t think that God made a mistake with putting me into this body. I think He did it, perhaps, to make me stronger, inside. Perhaps He did it to teach me how to see things in a different way.  I don’t know His reasoning, but I don’t believe it was a mistake, nor do I believe that I am confused or under the influence of some outside source where it comes to knowing myself to be the way I am. My gender identity is in fact deeply rooted in my soul, as integral a part of my soul as my brain is to my body.

 

I hope that you can accept me as a person, even if the idea of accepting me as your son is something you never can do.

 

You may not think this is the case, but my love for my children, and for you two, is in part why I am moving forward, why I am active in this transition. I know that I could never truly be happy with how I was living before. I was in a very negative spiral in my life. My children deserve that their mother be happy so that their mother can be with them in a positive nature. You deserve for me to be able to interact with you in a positive nature.

 

I will always be your child, but I am an adult now, and have to do what is right for me, and what is the best I can manage for my kids.

 

In January, I began using the first name Lucas, following literally months of whittling down name choices from an original list of 900 most common first names for males in the United States according to Social Security registration records. In addition to changing my name useage; I began wearing strictly male clothes, with only the exception of when I interacted with the two of you. I waited, to tell you, to be open with the two of you, because I didn’t know how to go about breaking such earth shattering news to you. I wanted to be able to tell you in some way to decrease the painful impact of this news, but am still not certain that the path I’ve chosen for such information will do so. Should you two be able in time to accept me as your son as I hope you will, or even simply as a person, then I would like to take the name {{parents' last name}} as my middle name when I legally change my name in the near future.

 

I know this is a huge shock for you both, one I don’t expect or ask for you to jump to completely understanding. I hope the pain of what you may see as losing Bobbi is somehow diminished by knowing that Bobbi does live on, in Lucas. Who I am inside will not change, and neither will my love for the two of you, no matter what your choice may be with regards to accepting me.

 

I am willing to answer any and all questions you may have for me.  

 

I don’t ask for you to understand what I am doing, what I am going through, only that you accept me for me, if it is within your hearts to be able to.

 

With all my love,

 

 {{signed as Lucas here}}

 

 

Formerly known as Bobbi

Simply put... 

I'm a tguy by definition, because of the body I was born in, not matching the inner identity. I am a man. By a defect of birth I was born in a female body, but this is in the process of being rectified! Calling me "guy", "dude", "gentleman", those are acceptable!

I am mid-op, having had the hysterectomy / oophorectomy in December. 

I've been on a working T dose since January 24, and before that was on testosterone propionate for 3 months with absolutely NO results.

I am gay. Not sexually interested in females, or MtF transexuals, or MtF cross dressers. In fact, I'm not interested in any new intimate relationships as I already have someone who has made off with my heart, and I with his.  I AM however, interested in making friends, regardless of gender or sexual orientation!

I'm 35, living about an hour outside of St. Louis, MO with my partner (a cisgender male) and my children. I'm in the middle of a bloody nasty divorce. 

I will be posting here, sometimes thoughts, sometimes random lists, sometimes oddities that make no sense to anyone, including me. EVERYONE is welcome to comment and even ASK questions in a respectful manner, but bear the following in mind -

I have no time or energy to waste on homophobes, on genderphobes or anyone who cannot and will not put forth the effort to understand that not all transgendered are promiscuous or should be called "girl", "lady", "femme", "woman", "Domme", etc.

Luc