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Ramblings of just another guy in the midwest

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December 29th, 2008

new name FINALLY!


It's official! As of 9 a.m. Central time today, December 29th, my name is now Lucas Martin R*****!

NO MORE girl name!!

I did the petition, and order, and publication stuff all without an attorney. I feel very accomplished that I knew more about the name change than the JUDGE did!

*cheshire cat grin*

Oh and I have a serious smirk on my new license!


(x-posted a few places)

December 17th, 2008

odd question

Do you know if posts to your journal labelled friends only can be read by people who add you as friends but whom you don't add as your friends?


December 9th, 2008

If lovin were cookin...

Got the idea for this from thehat 


heeheheh turn on the heat ;)

November 4th, 2008

worked today

I was an election judge at a local ward in my town...youngest person there, by some 20+ years.

Had to be up just after 4 a.m., at the polls by 5 a.m. Worked through until almost 8 p.m. other than a 15 minute break I stole to grab a bite to eat, because my dear Arc brought me food. Of course, by the time I got the chance to go eat the food, the double cheese burger and fries were both cold, but, I felt loved nonetheless.

Being the youngest there, I was the one who set up and took down the touch screen system, and assisted with the optical scanner. I also did the "lugging of heavy items" and the "crawling under the bar to plug in the extension cords" oh and let's not forget, the "crawling INTO the ballot recepticle to get the last of the ballots that the scanner had dumped into the recepticle.

This was a low paying gig, I honestly don't know how much I'll make for it, but any money is better than no money.

Did I vote today? No. I knew without a doubt I wouldn't have time.

I voted by absentee ballot 2 weeks ago, due to being an election judge.

Today the majority of American voters said something definate, "We want change. We can do it. Yes, we can."

I'm fully supportive of President Elect Barack Obama, and wish him and his family safe travels over the next four years.

February 19th, 2008

handling the questions

My divorce is still in the bloody mess that is the middle of the court dates. I've been stewing over this one piece a bit, and finally am posting it here after talking to my 10 yr old.

It seems that the counsellor who I took the kids to, who ended up trying to testify against me (though she didn't see the kids enough to truly have any real opinion), was fixated on ONE thing only, my transition. She latched onto one idea my 10 yr old offered for how she might explain her mother's absence, which was, "I'll just tell them my Mom died and I live with my Papa." The therapist decided on her own that I must have given this idea to my daughter, when this is NOT the case.

Of course I had to refute this on the stand! 

I have always taken the attitude that stealth of any sort is not an option for me until such time as my children are grown and moved out, if even then.

I've always told my children that if anyone asks about where their mom is, they are free to tell people that I am their mom, and to send them to me for any and all questions. I'd prefer that I be the one answering the questions, since I know how to convey more information about my transition than could be explained by a child.

So...my question is this...how do YOU, the guys who are parents, handle these types of situations??


February 11th, 2008

my lil dude


Anyway, forward to TODAY.

He had an appointment at the CF clinic. A pulmonary function test, series of chest x-rays, and visit with the doctors in the clinic.

So, we did the tests, spent most of the day at Children's Hospital.

I take him in to see the doc at the CF clinic, and the doc looks over all of his test results, and his medical history. He tells me "I MAY have some good news for you." (the rest below is paraphrased)

Lil Dude's lung function is good, BETTER than the doc's.

Lil Dude doesn't have any history of growth issues. (which point to CF)

Lil Dude has NO family history of growth issues, or male infertility and is generally healthy. (these decrease the chance of it being CF)

Lil Dude has the ONE condition that can lead to a false positive on a sweat test that is NOT a life threatening condition - eczema.

We are still going to wait for the genetic marker testing to come back (in now about 2 1/2 weeks), BUT, the odds are that he does not have CF. The doc said he'd put the odds at about 75% against it, versus the 99.99% for it that I was told before.

This is a HUGE weight off my shoulders even though it is NOT a definate as yet.


December 15th, 2007

Running the gauntlet


Went to the family gathering.

I was so f**king nervous that I thought I was going to be sick before I got there.

Meeting Lucas

Today, much of my family will "meet" me as Lucas for the first time.

I know they won't call me by the right name, but my birth name.

I know they will use, without fail, female pronouns.

I can only hope they don't make a horrific scene as my children will be present.

My stomach is in knots, but I am STILL going to be there.

Today is their ONE chance to get away with wrong pronouns / name.


November 28th, 2007

Update, though small

update - I have contacted my GID therapist today, as well as another counsellor for myself. 

I am NOT trying to place the blame wholly on the other person, for we BOTH share the responsibility of the wrongs that happened. 

I can't even put into words how terrible I feel about striking someone in anger, especially the person I love more than anyone else, save for my children. (see my priorities thread to understand)

I haven't eaten now in nearly 2 days, can't force myself to eat, stomach violently refusing any and all food. I am managing to get down some liquids, but there was something wrong with my stomach befoer this happened and it's only getting worse.

Add to that , that my chest is now causing some sort of problems, tightness, some pain, heart pounding, headache (bad) ... I KNOW my BP is sky high. :( I'm scared, and there is no one, NO ONE for me to turn to. I can't/won't go to the hospital alone. 

I may go to the city and do something I never do...get drunk and sleep in my car.


moment in time

I did something tonight I haven't done in, about 2 years. 

I struck someone in anger. Not really in anger, but in a furious rage stemming from emotional hurt inflicted upon my children and myself. (it was a backhand to the jaw, with my weaker left hand as my right is still in a cast)

(no, I do not believe this was caused by my testosterone therapy)

I found out I'd been lied to, repeatedly over the past month or so. (and I don't know about before then currently) Not only had I been lied to, but so had the innocents who shared our lives, my children. To me, this is the far greater infraction, far greater wound, to lie to children for one's own gain. These weren't "little white lies" but lies about his father being deathly ill, resulting in me guilt tripping my ex for money to get this person to a place halfway across the country at a moment's notice.

I called him a lying bastard, as well as a few other choice phrases. I HATE his actions, and hate the way he caused me to feel.

I am a hopeless sap though as after calming down, I know I do still love him, though I cannot and will not be lied to and lied about again. I cannot have him treating those innocents with callous disregard.

Will I allow him back into my life IF he comes back? I don't know right now.  I don't know if he will try, after all, I did strike him.

I know that nothing can or will be salvaged without him getting counselling for the lying, as it seems to be habitual.

My own counselling will come when I speak to my therapist.

I know that striking someone is wrong. I don't excuse it, but I also understand WHY I did it. I wanted him to feel some semblance of the pain he had inflicted upon the kids and that was the only way I could see to do so.

*skulking back to bed, though only to lick the wounds, no sleep will come tonight.
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